my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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