we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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