if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I bet he comes in French.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
