I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
