Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
