the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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