my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
