If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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