He asked to "fluff my boner.."
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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