I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
