Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
