the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
