His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
