What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize