Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
