She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
