So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize