You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
