So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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