Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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