mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
wow bdsm is so cute
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
