Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
