We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
