I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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