My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Randomize
