I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Damn victory sex feels great
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
