Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize