you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
