is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
