I think I am morally bankrupt
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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