I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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