I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
