I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
