So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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