dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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