I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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