Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
