make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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