Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
