someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
