remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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