I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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