guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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