Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
