Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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