I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
we're making bets on your personal life
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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