She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You've changed since you got that strap on
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
