I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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