I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
