The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
be right there i have to get my cape
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Randomize
