I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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