So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
