Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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