We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
