if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
