i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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