Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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