I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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