meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
