Need sex. Gaining weight.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
