OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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