hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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