He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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