Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
