So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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