I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
